Monday, July 19, 2010

Cycling Inquisition readers ask: How do cyclists go to the bathroom? Was it smart to take a bribe from Pablo Escobar? Is Eric Vanderaerden married?


As the popularity of this blog grows, so too do the offers from potential sponsors and benefactors (as I mentioned just last week). In order to gauge just how many free bikes, wheels, jerseys and urban camo compression tights I should be getting from these sponsors/patrons, I've decided to look more closely at what brings most of you here. Though I assume many of you use RSS technology to read this and (perhaps) other blogs, it appears as though a fair number of people are also getting here using 2005 technology, namely Google. Luckily, I'm able to see the very terms that people enter into Google in order to get here. I did this once before, and that post proved to rank only as "so-so" in the Cycling Inquisition Post Popularity Meter™, but I've chosen to do it once again. Why? Because potential sponsors have clearly stated that my unorthodox and freewheeling approach to blogging have made me into a valuable commodity. After all, how many other cycling bloggers would dare write about such amazingly unique topics as taking naps during long rides, or how riding slow will make you rich? Although that was rhetorical question, I'll go ahead and answer it for you. No other blogger would dare. As such, I sit high atop my ivory tower (which as I've stated before is actually aluminum with a faux ivory sticker, like the seatpost on the last bike I bought), from which I judge others. I sit proudly as the internet's favorite enfant terrible, calmly writing amazing posts like this one....ahhh, damn. Who am I kidding? I didn't have time to write a super-sweet post for today, and this is the best I could come up with. Yes, these are all actual phrases that brought people to Cycling Inquisition. Enjoy.

How do professional cyclists stop and take a crap or poop?
Tour de france riders number 2, poo bathroom

If you've had to explain general concepts of professional cycling to friends and family, this question has probably come up a few times. Next time it does, do what I do. Explain that the padded portion of the shorts is built to work like a highly efficient diaper, and that cyclists will freely do their business as they ride. Then, the next time you're watching a race, and Contador makes that Fire Marshall Bill face when he attacks (after someone has dropped their chain), just tell the people looking over your shoulder that he's taking a massive dump, hence the facial expression.

Marital status of Eric Vanderaerden
Are women seriously wondering about this? Have you seen what the man looks like these days? The man has a face that only a proctologist could love, teeth that can easily open canned goods, and a haircut that most closely resembles a bowl of rusty Ramen noodles.

I didn't like bogota colombia
Honestly, what was this person hoping to find by entering this phrase into a search engine? Some sort of validation? An entire online community devoted to visiting and then not liking Colombia?

What does Mother Teresa think about the Ciclovia?
I know I may sound like Jerry Seinfeld for asking this....but who are these people, and why on holy hell are they searching for this type of information? If you don't know what the "ciclovia" is, you can read all about it in this post.

bradley wiggins white shorts and shoes?
Bradley wiggins shoes
bradley wiggins sidi shoes or not?
What shoes does bradley wiggins wear?

Clearly there's a significant amount of interest in Wiggins these days, particularly his cycling shoes. Oddly enough, no one is asking about his extensive collection of cravats or his midwest-worthy white tennis shoes.

what's so special about colombia?
I'm insulted that anyone would dare ask this question, since the answer is obviously clear. First, I'm from that should answer the question. But there are other reasons too. First, awesome cyclists, second...biblioburro.
About fifty people a day get to the blog by entering the entire URL into Google. To those who do this, I'd like to ask the following: you do know that you could just type the same thing in that little box at the top of your browser and skip one whole step right?

robin williams falling off a bike + t shirt
I have no idea what prompted this search, but I would seriously buy a t-shirt with a picture of Robin Williams falling off his bike. Hell, I'd buy two of them.

poor muscle tone + slow learning and literacy + poor concentration cant swim + 7 years old
Clearly this person has a particular 7 year old in mind when they started this search.

Not only is the search creepy, so is the way it was typed out.

was it smart to take a bribe from pablo escobar
It's Google, not your roomate's Magic 8 Ball.

Pooping your pants for pleasure in shops
people who poop inside dressing rooms

s_itting inside department stores

After graduating from college, my wife was unable to find a job in her field. As a result, she worked at the Gap for about six months. During those six months I heard enough stories to prove that this sort of thing happens. And it happens all the time.


  1. RaNnDOM PSYChOtICJuly 19, 2010 at 1:37 PM

    For a joke this morning I made a Google search with the following phrases:

    I hate my child+robin williams+adhd
    poop+white shoes
    poop in public

    I was lead here. Thanks for answering all my questions.

  2. not sure i get this post... what's google, again?

  3. jim from the other day a few weeks ago that wasn't the other JimJuly 19, 2010 at 11:43 PM

    Good post.
    I followed your link back to the ciclovia post which was really good and interesting. I'm right there with you on the whole driving to the secluded road to nowhere because bicycles are for children. After all how can you be an adult without incorporating an automobile into your leisure time. What's worse is around here the city has been painting in bike lanes that have no practical use.

    I have one observation to make.
    You have a block on the correct spelling of riding. It always turns up as ridding. I thought pointing it out might bump you a few rungs up the blog ladder. Then when you are closer to the middle of the influential 50 you will start getting free bikes in the wrong size, winter clothes in the summer and last years warranty returns.

    So here's to you on ridding your future posts of spelling errors that spellcheck won't get because it's not a contextcheck.

    Peace out.

  4. Fire Marshal Bill/Contador/poop reference = very funny!

  5. Dropped chainring, didn't make it here in time for a podium!

  6. Jim,
    thank you for pointing that out! i have that issue with a few words in english. going to fix a few of those right now. thank you sir.

  7. Deer Luuchow,

    Y didde u thank tthate ashollee?

  8. jim from the other day a few weeks ago that wasn't the other JimJuly 21, 2010 at 1:25 AM

    I was trying to be humorous and not a jerk. Next time I will use some of these ;) :) nerd things so we can all laugh without confusion.
    I often make spelling and grammar mistakes myself when typing and appreciate when they are pointed out. Otherwise I tend to repeat them when typing quickly.
    The sarcasm on the blog ranking was me trying to get in on a running joke here to show that I am a consistent reader who is knowledgeable in the current CI sarcasm themes and topics of note in addition to the neat little details that keep us all coming back. Yes this is my favorite cycling blog and I want Lucho to like me.
    Furthermore, I don't think spelling is one of the rating criteria for the top 50 cycling blogs in the blog-o-verse. If I'm wrong and spelling does count then I think it's safe to say someone is in line for a flashy new Madone and the joke is no longer valid.
    It is also important to note that when Lucho takes this joint over the top we have a fucken' game show to drop on fools.
    SO shit is all good out hurr.
    Thank you for your concern.

  9. I was reading this while on a conference call and I am sure the others were confused by my snorting and stifled laughter.

  10. Jefe,
    Glad I could help!

    when this becomes a game show, you can be my sidekick, ala Vanna White

  11. sub-arctic cyclingJuly 21, 2010 at 6:24 PM

    Well it looks your blogs influence over the fecal crowd is solid. What kind of free stuff do you get in the mail from them?

  12. sub-arctic,
    what do you think i get from them? luckily, i have interns to open up my mail.

  13. jim from the other day a few weeks ago that wasn't the other JimJuly 21, 2010 at 10:18 PM

    I'll take the Vanna job and add it to the executive producer position already promised. You're going to be cutting me some large checks my friend.
    I can't wait until you get the adult braces off.
    Hollywood smile make me rich!

  14. From now on, when I'm on the bike and I need to take a bio-break, I will loudly announce that I need to "drop a Pistolero".

  15. stop making fun of contador you cockhead. u dont know the effort he puts into his climbs so why the piss even bother to make a statement like that. go out and ride the bike idiot. u and ur cycling inquisition my ass.

  16. I agree with the poster above. Contador has something called "congenital aneurysm". Before you make wise remarks about his facial expressions, find out how it may affect his body when he's under pressure.

  17. Anonymous from earlier who isn't the other anonymousesJuly 25, 2010 at 6:46 PM

    @ Jim, etc.: relax-that was so totally a joke, get it? The guy who can't spell anything writes in and...

    Oh never mind. Can't we all just get along?

  18. jim,

    the CI show will start production once these stupid braces are off. i can't freaking wait!

  19. I'm the guy who googled 'rapist glasses cycling inquisition', but there is an innocent explanation.... honestly.

    My girlfriend was e-mailing me pictures of funny looking cyclists (she finds them/us/me hilarious) at work. Underneath one of the pictures she sent (of a bloke wearing glasses) was an extract from a blog of yours beginning; "speaking of sexual deviancy, the 80's were a grand time for cycling." In the blog the term rapists glasses was used. It was a funny extract, so I asked where so I asked her where it was from and she told me: "cycling inquisition". I wanted to read the whole blog so I googled rapist glasses (the reason for this was that it was the only thing in the e-mail highlighted in blue, which, incidently, if you click on it takes you to an 'urban dictionary' which explains the term) together with cycling inquisition.

    As for the casing of the font. I have no idea why that is so.... Sorry

    Anyway, be assured I'm not weird. The good thing is, though, I found this blog: which is excellent. The columbian pieces are great.


    P.S. Hope I'm exonerated.

  20. JP, consider yourself exonerated!


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