Thursday, March 18, 2010

Adult braces, cobblestones, and poetic justice

As seen here.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you probably know that I like to mention and—let's be honest—mock Cavendish for his teeth and their sepia coloration. In a way, mentioning Cav's teeth is my signature move, it's my "Hasta la vista baby". Mocking Cavendish for how his teeth match the yellow on his jersey may not seem like the height of comedic genius to most of you, but it's all I've got. Yes, I know its childish and mean to mock people for their appearance, but I've been known to be both childish and mean. It's with this in mind that nearly every reader of the blog alerted me to Cav's "dental issues" early this season. While I briefly considered posting about his tooth-related troubles, I never really got around to it. Then suddenly, only a couple of days ago, I found the image you see above. Although decidedly less sepia-colored, Cavendish's teeth were now clad in adult braces. It must have been my lucky day, because life had just served me up a fantastic comedic opportunity. Or had it? While most of you surely think I would have a field day with endless references to Cavendish and his adult braces...reality is actually much more complex. You see, I will not be making fun of his adult braces. No sir. I refuse, and here's the shocking reason why. It's not just because I'm slowly evolving as a human being. It's also not because I'm trying to be a better and kinder person. There's another reason, and here it is:

I too have adult braces.

If this isn't a case of poetic justice (the literary device, not the film staring Tupac and Janet Jackson), I don't know what is. Stupid karma has come back to bite me in my saddle sores. I've been hoist by my own petard. Now that he has braces, mocking Cavendish would entail mocking myself. Damn it to hell. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? The party's over! Over I tell you!

If you're going to ask why I have braces, or if you're going to ask me if I'm 12 years old, spare me. You think I don't know how dumb I look? Well, I do know...and it's pretty bad. My braces, however, were something I had to do for serious health reasons (long story) and thus I now find myself wanting to share tips regarding braces and their upkeep with Cavendish. I guess the only good part about having braces is that for once I own something that is made out of titanium. That aside, it's a pretty sad state of affairs for me. Good lord, how the mighty have fallen...and I don't say that as a figure of speech either. The mighty, that would be me, have fallen. Literally. Last week I fell off my bike on an unpaved road while going pretty fast downhill. Road rash, cuts...all that. The unexpected injury? My inner lips being fused to my braces because of the impact. I had to separate the two like a zippers. Ugh. Also, riding in the cold makes the braces super, super cold and uncomfortable. Sounds like fun huh? I have the same issues as a 12 year old girl. Ain't life grand?

But that's not all. On another tooth-related note, I wanted to share the following picture with you.

"What is that?" You are probably asking yourself. Well, don't get grossed out, but it's a filling that came out of my teeth. I know, I you're totally grossed out. Sorry.

You see, in preparation for my trip to Roubaix next month (I will be seeing the race and riding a good part of the course with my brother), I've been taking the long way to work lately and jokingly trying to ride through block-long cobbled sections as fast as possible. The cobblestones I ride range from civilized to downright brutal, but the sections are very brief. I do this for fun in the mornings, as a way to get excited about the trip, and in order to pass the time. It was seconds after riding through one particularly bad section that I instantly felt something in my mouth. I had been holding my mouth tightly shut during this short adventure, and at the end of it, I felt a piece of hard candy in my mouth. Odd, since I was not eating any candy at the time. So I quickly realized what had just happened. Yup, the cobblestones literally shook a filling out my teeth. To be fair, this semi-clear filling was put into one of my molars as part of my super-cool orthodontic treatment, not because of a cavity, but its the same material and was put into my mouth in exactly the same way. It's with this in mind that I worry about my fate in the real pave that I will face in France. If my fillings are already coming out from the cobbles here at home, I think I may come home from France in multiple pieces along with my bike. I hope my braces are still in place after the trip though, because orthodontic treatment is damn expensive.

Here's an unrelated link you might enjoy:
"Schleck calls Pozzato "Metrosexual" with mixed reaction"

Keep an eye out:
Two Colombians will be at Milan San Remo this Saturday. Rigoberto Uran (from the city of Medellin will race as number 77, Caisse d'Epargne) and Jose Serpa Perez (From the small town of Corozal, number 35, Androni Giocattoli).

Santiago Botero:
Gold medal

Get it? Her name is Pink, her bike is pink...


  1. Lucho, you amaze me. Come to Melbourne and do the Melbourne Roobaix, a race...sorry, ride, through some of the city's old cobblestone alleys. It's fun, and you can share all your fillings with everyone!

  2. Jim from the other day that wasn't the other JimMarch 18, 2010 at 7:46 AM

    I had the highschool braces. Went to punk/metal show. Got smacked in the mouth by the mosh pit. Zipper lips were had. Not so fun to peel them off braces. Your pain I have felt.
    The braces will be gone before you know it. Then you will look hollywood smile nice. Perhaps even host a game show. Who knows.

  3. I think it's high time that Cav (and maybe even you, Lucho) adopt the "Lil Wayne Oral Hygiene Programme." It's pretty simple: replace all enamel with encrusted diamonds, endure eight root canals in one sitting, and rest assured that your smile will blind all who encounter it.

    Pimped-out adult braces. Why not? Though, I suppose you might find French rural farmers trailing behind you on the pavé, collecting the riches that the cobbles have knocked loose.

  4. Yate,
    Funny you should bring up the Lil' Wayne look. When I was getting the braces put on I asked if they had them in gold color. The guy told me he actually could get them if I wanted them. I thought about it for a split second, and quickly realized that while it would be funny for a second, I'd be stuck with gold braces at some rather odd good.

    Jim who is not the other Jim,
    Cycling Inquisition game show? Sounds like a plan. I'm pitching the idea...if it goes through, you can be excecutive producer. For real.

    Death Race,
    I could go and do the ride. At the end of it, I could stand there like a soda or candy dispenser, handing out fillings to each of the riders. Sounds like fun. sign me up.

  5. i dated a girl briefly who had braces and could change their color for special occasions or whatever. I guess they do it for kids, but she got orange ones for halloween and red/green for xmas. it was pretty funny.
    as a preemptive measure, im removing all my teeth before the roubaix trip.

  6. If you are going to replace your teeth, forget jewelry. Go straight for carbon. It's lighter and stiffer. Cavendish's braces are titantium.

  7. Jefe: you gave me the lulz.

    you know i sorta feel bad for cav cuz i rip him pretty badly in the podcast, too, but he's just such an arrogant shit, i cant help it.

  8. God I hope Thor gives him another smack down on the green jersey front again this year.

  9. That is an exquisite photo of a pen pointing at your filling. Too bad you had the opportunity to take it.

  10. Great blog, sir. I enjoy it immensely. I particularly enjoy the healthy dose of paralipsis you have dispensed both in this post and in the one about Pantani's art--surely the finest of all rhetorical figures.

  11. Anonymous 11:16,

    Glad you like the blog. Thank you for noticing my use of paralipsis...shhh, don't tell anyone. I aspire to Cicero's rhetorical abilities, and once I acquire them, plan to use them wholly within the context of cycling. It's gonna' be great.

  12. Try to avoid Cicero's end note, though. Not pretty.

  13. db,
    you're right! I forgot. decapitated, hands cut off, and his tongue was stabbed repeatedly due to his "power of speech". well...we can all dream, can't we?

  14. Jim from the other day that wasn't the other JimMarch 21, 2010 at 9:52 PM

    @ Lucho
    Well a CI game show wasn't what I was thinking. I was trying to paint a picture of the limitless possibility unlocked by the "post braces perfect Lucho smile".
    When the CI game show pans out I'm in, although I have some serious Cross Season mechanic, pit responsibilities. Keep that in mind when this whole thing falls into place accidentally one day. I think it would be OK to get one audience and shoot like ten shows in a weekend marathon style. Free beer after show five. A ride the lightning bonus round, I can see it now. In house metal band. Oh boy when do those braces come off?
    Are you really a DJ?


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