Thursday, January 7, 2010

Roger De Vlaeminck's hair plugs and his farts (plus other assorted Paris-Roubaix potpourri)

De Vlaemick. The man, the myth...the spokesman for a hair restoration clinic.

Before we all mock him, let's point out that he's at least one Paris-Roubaix winner who is honest is honest about his hair plugs (I'm looking your way Musseeuw). Others may need such procedure, but are in denial. So if your name rhymes with Dom Boonen, and you'd like to learn more about De Vlaeminck's procedure, click here.

His hair's not thinning. The dolphin ate it.

De Vlaeminck has a lot of explaining to do once his wife sees this picture.

"Why are you crying honey? I didn't do anything wrong. I like showering with fit, young, black that bad? If you say it is...well, you're racist!"

Note that the kid all the way to the right has his left hand on his STI lever, and I think he's up-shifting.

Not much to say about this one, just a cool image. Oh wait, I do have one thing to say. I like how Merckx has a douche bag (not a figurative, but a literal one) that states his victories for that year. Notice how De Vlaeminck is such a badass, that he's literally farting out the names of his own victories for the year. The cloud with the race's names is visible behind him. Man, that dude was so cool that even his farts sounded like they were saying "Pffft-Rouuuubaix-pffft" in a demure, yet powerful whisper of poo.

De Vlaeminck looks like such a badass in this picture. It's like he's saying:

"Keep smiling big boy, you may have a fancy pink jersey on now...but we'll talk in the spring. I mean, please, your farts are barely manly or audible...while mine whisper the names of my victories, and are fluent in four languages...five if you count Flemish."

Look at Eric Vanderaerden's plumage. Is there something about winning Roubaix that makes you either loose your hair (like De Vlaemick, Museeuw and Boonen), or make it look disgusting for the rest of your life (like Vanderaerden)? Do you have to sign a pact with the devil to win, and all the devil wants is your hair? How did his hair get to be this way? Did someone who just ate rusty Ramen noodles throw up on his head? Why does he only have one front tooth and not two? That one front tooth looks pretty strong though...I bet he can cut cable housing with it so quickly and gently that he won't even crush it.

Lastly, am I the only one who finds using Google Streetview for looking at the Paris-Roubaix route to be great fun? Please don't make fun of me for doing this. Try it! Here's the the velodrome.

View Larger Map

One of the cobble sections, not sure what number this one is.

View Larger Map

The end of Arenberg Forest. Sadly, unlike other pave sections, no streetview of this portion.

View Larger Map

If you want to look at even more portions, here's the route so you can follow along.


  1. PAVE!


  2. Great post!

    Bad hair (Or really, no hair) and the hell of the north winners: Magnus B├Ąckstedt.

  3. I want to go! Paris-Roubaix allez

  4. "Pffft-Rouuuubaix-pffft" <-- HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I almost shat with laughter!

    Lucho, don't say we "may be" going, you'll jinx it! Say "WE ARE" going, ok?

    I wonder how much a cobble weighs and if that'd put you over the weight limit in your luggage, having in mind that your bike is not carbon.

    dZa, that jpg is gold! I guess you don't need spokes in space.


  5. What I find more worrying about the picture of De Vlaeminck with hot young males is what may or may not be occuring within one of said hot young male's shorts (just to the right). ...I hope I'm not alone on this one...

  6. Anonymous,
    I saw that too...I just couldn't think of a joke that wasn't totally lame. Bringing up "sti lever" already felt forced. Originally I thought about saying something about his downtube, or his stem being a certain size or something...See, I still dont' know what to say.

  7. Lucho, that's the best use of google street view I've seen yet (except for finding nudity of course).

  8. Lucho,
    May I suggest that a seatpost might have some use for you in future... or maybe popping his quick release?

  9. That is the Gruson section which you were unsure of. The map of Paris-Roubaix contain at least 5 major mistakes (missed or incorrect sections of cobbles). I'll be there for the 4th time this April (we rent a large house and do our own thing for 10 days), am a fan of maps since childhood, and know the RVV and PR routes (there are small changes every year) by heart.

    Only jerks would actually take a cobble (thinking about taking one is OK).

  10. Mike,

    Do you fly from the United States, or do you live in Europe? Any advice you can give us? Since we've never been to PR...we're not sure what the best way to do it would be. We're looking to find a company that would take us to the starting line, and then hopefully drive us to catch a couple of other sections. I normally shy away from companies like then when traveling in general...but not knowing how to get around, I'm afraid we may have to.

  11. We live in the states and rent a house and car(s) (station wagon with roof rails and bring over your own roof rack with just the fork mounts [no need for the trays, use thin Velcro straps around the rear wheels and crossbar]). Oudenaarde and Kortjik are no more than a 60 minute drive to the end of the Arenberg forest. Tournai is even closer.

    Riding in Flanders is easy because the website will list in exacting detail the route on Google Earth. The courses for Dwaars vor Vlanderen, Het Volk, GP E3 are also shown pretty well on their individual websites. Arrows are also painted on the roads (the various colored sign posts are rides designed to take you throughout the Flemish Ardenne but are not the exact race routes).

    For riding parts of Paris-Roubaix, we have always parked in the town of Orchies, do a 40 minute warm up ride down to the beginning of the Haveluy sector and then follow the course back to Orchies for lunch. After lunch, follow the course as far as you choose towards the veldrome and take more direct ways back to Orchies. Stopping and having beers at the cafe de L'arbre and returning to Orchies gives you 140 km for the day and >30 km of cobbles. It's another 20ish km to the velodrome. Ride it or have someone move the car closer from the cafe.

    Beginning at least on the Thursday before the race (perhaps earlier but I don't know), fluorescent arrows are hung everywhere pointing the way so you will have no problem staying on that year's course.

    Race day - don't over do it. Pick 2 places (Arenberg Forest - a spot near the exit has a good road surface (relative to beginning), it's cool to see Boonen, Cancelerra, etc. separated from everyone else, it's cool to see the guys coming out last totally blown already. However, the cobbles themselves are much worse in the first 1/3 of the forest). For a second spot, the carrefour de l'Arbre cannot be beat - the race defining moves are underway and in the flat, open fields wave a thousand (literally) Flemish flags under a strong breeze that give the impression of what a medieval battle field may have looked liked. Indeed, the 13th century (?) battle of Bouvines, which led to the formation of a true "France", occured in and around these very same fields.

    Not counting airfare, food, lodging and car rental for 10 full days is less than $1,000 USD per person ($1,100 if you count beer). We have met riders going to or returning from trips with private touring companies (they had fun) in which the cost was >$3,000 for significantly less time.
    Hope that helps.

  12. A couple of nuns bicycle into town over one of those rough, jarring roads. "My, I've never come that way!", the first says. "It's the cobblestones.", says the other.

  13. Mike,
    your way of doing it sounds absolutely amazing! i'm so jealous! having never done it, i wouldn't even know where to begin though. you should consider taking suckers like me for a small fee!


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