Thursday, January 21, 2010

James Brown, Flava Flav and Cancellara



A quick fashion tip for Frank Schleck:

If the eyeglasses you want to wear were first popularized by Flava Flav, and later by Slayer's Kerry King...perhaps you should think twice about actually wearing them.

Funny how people who are obsessed with the "euro" cycling aesthetic (whatever the hell that really means) knowingly choose to hide and forget fashion atrocities like the one depicted above. No more. You are all as bad, if not worse, than Holocaust deniers. Look at the picture. It happened, it's true. There's proof of it. Now deal with it.

Speaking of crimes against humanity, did you see the new leader's jersey for the Vuelta?





This is a picture of Cancellara's bike during the first few stages of the Tour in '09. Can you imagine how hard you have to work in order to get the yellow jersey for even one day? Can you imagine how it must feel when your sponsor uses free clip-art from the internet to "decorate" your custom yellow bike? I saw him ride this very bike at the Tour, and I know I heard him murmuring the following to himself, as he looked at his top tube and its fancy clip-art:

"Please Specialized, don't piss in my mouth and call it lemonade"

Aside from using insultingly awful clip-art on his bike, how else could his team "thank" him for all his hard work? I have an idea, what about something really stupid...like...uh...like having him be purposefully attacked by a rabid dog or something?




Oops. Spoke too soon.




Speaking of Saxo Bank and their super-fun training camps....if this picture doesn't say "As soon as my contract is up, I'm so out of this fucking team", I don't know what does.







Question:
When will female cyclists be taken seriously?

Answer:
The day that sponsors quit seeing their athletes as extras from a Toni Basil video. Really...do you think male cyclists would ever be asked to pose in such a ridiculous manner?





Ah damn it. I spoke too soon. Again.

By the way, doesn't the Quick Step picture make them look like a homoerotic Swiss army knife?





As cyclists, when we describe the pain of mountainous stages in grand tours to friends who are not familiar with the sport, the men involved end up looking like heroic victims who perform under the toughest conditions. The reality is much sadder. Even those at the top of the sport basically look like Fire Marshall Bill while prancing at low speeds in little more than a wrestling singlet. The gap between hero and third-rate character in a fourth-rate comedy show is painfully small.




Nope, I'm not going to make fun of this kid. How could I? I mean, do you see how rad he is? While you're indoors getting fat because it's "too cold outside to ride", and you continue to ponder the right color and length of socks that you should wear come spring, this kid is doing hill repeats in three inches of snow. That's right, this mini-Jens Voigt eats fuckers like you for breakfast, and will shit you out before lunch. By the way, I don't say that he "eats fuckers like you for breakfast" as a figure of speech. I'm serious. He eats actual human flesh for breakfast. I've seen him do it.




When you have a team like HTC Columbia, and your star is a sprinter, you employ Erik Zabel as a consultant, to help you figure out how to perfect your sprint.

When you have a team like Quick Step whose star is a coked-up, Lamborghini-driving douche with terribly dated hair... who else would you hire as a consultant other than the Lamborghini-driving, coked-up mess that was James Brown? It was a cycling marriage made in heaven I tell you.





Like Tom Boonen's mullet, Quickstep is business in the front, and party in the back.






On a final note, I wanted to mention that my dear brother, the man who got me into cycling as a kid by first turning on his clock-radio in the summer of 1985 in order to listen to the Tour, has started a Podcast. If you're an avid reader of this fantastic blog, you may know him for having contributed great posts, like this one. As such, I highly encourage you to check out his fine Podcast. I would also like to remind you that the man is a broadcasting legend, having hosted and engineered a death metal radio show for most of the 90's in an undisclosed city in these United States. Go check him out.

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21 comments:

  1. will death metal be played? I love death metal.

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  2. There's this gay melo-death outfit from Geneva called Homoerotic Swiss Army Knife. Can you ask Krusher to feature them? They put together the best nancy clean-vocal breakdowns in the business, and rumor has it Cancellara is a "good friend" of the bass player.

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  3. james brown w/ qxstep?!?!? is that photoshop?

    and i think we just learned the secret to frank schleck's crash-prone career... when he finally ends his career by flying through some guard rail and down a ravine, at least he can find comfort with the knowledge that hes employable as an extra for every future film set in a post-apocalyptic setting.

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  4. furthermore, in regards to that weedy kid, he should invest in some 38cm bars and drop the 42-44 set up. Way too wide. Can you let him know Lucho?

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  5. James Brown picture did not come about through Photoshop magic, it was probably taken at the Tour Of Georgia since he lived in Atlanta.

    Death Race, I'm on it! I'll let the kid know about his bars. I use 40s myself, since I'm roughly his size. Maybe I'll pass on one of my extra handlebars.

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  6. Fabian should have responded with actual fuzzy dice. They add no weight and would have really pissed off the sponsor. Specialized has poor taste in advertising, as can be seen by their new dorky video series about cycling in NYC.

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  7. I'm with you on female cyclists (I think - you sound like you support them). I grew up watching the Coors Classic which had Connie Carpenter and Rebecca Twigg competing most years (not to mention Greg Lemond and Bernard Hinault in the men's circuit). Nearly 30 years later and I can't think of a comparable event.

    BUT.... you didn't just call In Living Color a fourth rate comedy show, did you? Toward the end of its run, sure, but not the first three or so seasons.

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  8. Matt,
    Sure I support female cycling, I certainly don't see any reason not to. About IN Living Color...well, let's get the name straight first. The show is "in living color" because the band sued them I think. How cool is that. I was all about the Fly Girls. That show started right as I moved to the United States, and I have to admit that it really helped me learn English. The same can be said for Eddy Merphy and Richard Pryor movies.

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  9. I called it "In Living Color..." Maybe the italics threw you for a loop...

    I'm pretty out of it when it comes to following cycling these days. Are there any women's stage races anywhere? Probably third and fourth rate events, but nothing like the second rate Coors Classic (which is a compliment - it was the only American event that attempted to attain Grand Tour status, though not reaching that goal before it fell apart). I think there's a World Championship but that seems kind of second rate too, like the World Baseball Classic compared to the World Series.

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  10. Lucho, thanks for mentioning the Speed Metal podcast. I've gotten pretty good feedback on my first episode. it's gonna be done every other sunday, so, please check it out. it's all about pro cycling. i have no equipment reviews or cute stories about cycling in zaire. it's all pro talk, all the time.
    death race, i ALMOST stole your pentagram/bike thingy as a logo, but decided not to rip you off. there's a little bit of metal being played in the podcast, but i have to figure out what the restrictions are as far as rights of usage and shit like that.

    next, female cycling... i hate and actively oppose most women sports. the WNBA is an abomination. it's second rate basketball. soccer? please, dont get me started! when you see a radical difference IN QUALITY in the way women play the sport, they should stay away. that or play, but dont expect me not to mock you. however, in certain sports, the difference is minimal, at least for the viewer. downhill skiing and tennis and even golf. cycling is the same, i think. so the peloton rides for 5 hours instead of 8 and the average speed is 31mph as opposed to 45, i cant tell the difference, therefore the sport is actually cool to watch. the problem is that the race organizers dont know how to market women's races. i'd watch a nighlty highlight package on the women's TdF. it'd be less boring than the ones about the tour of qatar! but ill bet you that versus (for example) has never even been offered such a thing. how can ppl get into something, they know nothing about and have never been given the opportunity to check out? if i were the TdF, id offer a 'free' feed to the woman's tour when your station buys the rights to the dudes' tour. it would expose it and it'd help with sponsorship and shit. DAMN, that was long. sorry!

    the james brown/tom boonen lamborghini/coke this is simply BRILLIANT, bro. brilliant. you are brilliant.

    .

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  11. ah, but Death Race didn't come up with it:

    http://685pentabike.blogspot.com/

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  12. NICE!
    -'homoerotic swis army knife'...awesome
    -what does the TopSpeed article say at the end about Cavendish? I assume it's a jab at one or the other.

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  13. Bob,
    Sorry, I couldn't find an article in English about the crash. At the end it merely says how Boonen commented on not being able to be at some stages, which he said before a race where he beat Cavendish...it's nothing of much importance. I wish they had said something about the car being as yellow as Cavendish's teeth.

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  14. I remember seeing Travis Brown wearing some of those goddamned glasses at a Sea Otter debacle many years ago, and I thought to myself, "How shitty to be sponsored by Oakley."

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  15. Not only is Boonen's hair dated, but so is his entire kit. Makes me glad I don't have sponsors.

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  16. Andy,
    I'm with you. Leather barely breathes, and really doesn't wick. It's for that reason that Tom has literally pulled the hair out of his head.

    As far as those Oakley's...ofah. I don't see how anyone could wear them, not even as a joke. It would be like shooting yourself in the face....as a joke. It can be done...but why would you?

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  17. If Boonen wants to rock like the ancients, he really needs to go whole hog and put some scythes on the wheels of his bike. I would have no choice but to cheer for him.

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  18. Frank Schleck was not the only cyclist wearing those atrocious welding goggles. David Millar was sporting those same sunglasses in 2001 TdF prologue.
    http://www.56.com/u44/v_MzEyOTQxNTM.html

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  19. Death Race,
    Indeed. EXPOSED! You are now banned forever. Okay, not forever. Two year suspension, at the end of which you will have to reveal all sources and whereabouts to the UCI.

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