Is cycling gay? The ultimate argument settler.

If you ride a bike as an adult, chances are that you've been called a "fag" at least once in the last week by a driver. As I've stated before, these homophobic outbursts come my way so often and in such a timely manner, that the US Army now uses them to set their atomic clock. While my bike is neither a Qüer, or a Faggin, I suspect that the drivers must instinctively know that I Tivo certain home decorating shows.




With the latest driver outbursts still fresh in my mind, I set out to find an answer to that age-old question, "is cycling gay?" Though most would think the answer can be easily found in the man-leotards, butt lubrication and the shaved legs...I chose to go deeper in order to find an answer. I should mention that I also began to wonder how many professional cyclists are gay. I raise this last question in a serious manner, and not in jest (for once). Mathematically speaking, a good few of them probably are, but I can't imagine how difficult/impossible it would be to ride as a gay man who is out in the pro ranks. Here in the United States, the topic of homosexuality in professionals sports has been brought up a couple of times, often with disastrous results. But I'm getting sidetracked, since this is a whole 'nother issue all together. I mean, if cycling has been largely unable to deal with race (see Laurent Fignon's comments about Colombians being from "an inferior race", as reported by Patrocinio Jimenez), I don't think the peloton is ready to deal with matters of sexual orientation either. Nevermind the fact that "peloton" means "one who has big balls" in Spanish. But wait, where was I? Oh yes...my research.

So, off I went into the vast expanse that is the internet in order to find an answer. Here are my findings:




First I found this picture of Vande Velde and Michael Barry acting...uh...hetero and manly? Sexuality aside, what's with the gold chains? Christ allmighty, as though Vande Velde wasn't punishing us all by keeping that cocoa-puff that he calls a mole on his face, now he's upping the dry-heave ante (as it were) by sporting a gold chain that even Italians in Jersey would laugh at.

Veredict:
Cycling is gay, and from New Jersey.




Shirtless while wearing a construction helmet? Are you kidding me? Is that an ankle/foot tattoo? Et tu, Pellizotti?

Veredict:
Cycling is turbo, mega, euro gay.




Okay, now we're getting somewhere...wait, are we? I don't think we are. What the hell does this shirt mean? This reminds me of the time I saw a homeless woman in France wearing a t-shirt that said "I Happy, I do pineapple dancing"

Veredict:
Cycling is sexually confused. Also, cyclists should make more money so that they don't have to wear free shirts that they get at the homeless shelter.




I know that I've posted this image before, but my quest for an answer would be incomplete without it.

Veredict:
Paul needs to buy some socks. And a girdle.






Interesting image, certainly one for the "hetero" column.
With that out of the way, I'd like to have a few words with this woman:

No, he won't marry you, and not just because you drive a depressing Dodge mini-van. The reason? Two words:
Ugg boots.

I mean, why would you put arrows pointing to your Ugg boots? You don't see Vande Velde putting arrows pointing to his cocoa-puff.


Veredict:
Cycling is hetero, and is thus lacking a cohesive fashion sense.

Thor, where is your right hand? What is it doing? Seriously. Tell the truth.

Veredict:
Cycling is hetero. Thor is my hero.

Talk about hetero! The picture above is of a new Bianchi. Seriously. See it here.

Veredict:
Cycling is hetero, and Bianchi needs to invest in more R&D.




Well, perhaps you've all seen this site before, but I sure hadn't. It's not work-safe...but boy is it educational.


Veredict:
I finally understand the real value in having a chamois pad. Friction control.



Final Veredict:
Cycling is not fully gay, but it's probably bi-curious.



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On an entirely different note (although in keeping with my ongoing theme of Colombian cycling on this blog), Mauricio Soler was struck by a car today in the department of Boyaca in Colombia. Soler was hit head-on by the car and received lacerations in his face and arms. The injuries appear not to be serious, but he was taken to nearby Tunja for further examinations.